What lies beyond the path

To Think or Not To Think

2012-02-06T17:07:00.002+08:00

It has been an eventful month for a start of a new year. Now coming to the second month, I wondered what new challenges will I have to face.

The troubles I have face surely cannot be easily forgotten. But I was told, I am not the only one as there are others out there to help me out. Surely enough it has been a tough decision to go through all of these troubles I have faced. But it does not mean I have to carry the weight on my shoulders myself.

Now to think of the matters for the decision I have to take. It is not easy. Nothing has been easy in life. It is a path of many who have taken. I, myself, am no different than anyone else.

But as to let it go and bring less worries to my life, I eventually have to choose later on. Better yet, now or never.

To think or not to think..about it. That day will come. One way or another.

Smiles

2012-01-14T09:39:00.003+08:00

It has been a while since I last made a post here.

There has been a lot of things which had happened. Apart from leaving 2011 behind, there are many which will never returned. Sacrifices are to be made, even though it is to leave a part of me, a "new" part will be made...eventually.

The bonds between the people I know
The bonds between the people I care
The bonds between the people I love..

The smiles of their faces are surely heartwarming. Unfortunately there is bound to be obstacles. Blinded by the negative beings in this world. It is better off I shut my eyes and see the "true" beings within.

As I share my moments with my foster family in Japan, the JENESYS family, my family...and my friends...
It is already the 2nd week of the New Year. Perhaps this path I take will bring these bonds stronger. Though I may not able to hold all with my hands, it is never goodbye. Who knows, we might be looking at the same sky..and think...of the memories we have/had together.

For a better year, I wish those people for the best of luck. Missing everyone in Japan. Hiroshi-san...Uchiyama-san...Tange-san...and many more. Hope to see everyone in the near future.

One of these days

2011-12-05T23:03:00.002+08:00

Surely it will come to a day where the things we do in our lives will make a difference. Not for yourself, but for everyone else.

Though I am uncertain how long will I be able to keep this mindset, but surely it would not die down at ease.

As the world is changing bit by bit, we are the one who can make those little changes. Like how a fire starts and spread in a crop field, I believe we could do it in an environmental aspect.

The price of our daily lives is a lot when considering our social lifestyle. However the price of the world is more than you could imagine. The more we indulge in our desires, it comes with a price. The price of creating the dangers we face: global warming, climate change, that is something we cannot fix easily.

For that, I take a step. A step to change it somehow. Even though I might fail, someone will eventually take over and follow the lead.
More responsibilities to come, more challenges to face. Nevertheless, it is not something that can be ignored for too long.
Getting more busy with preparations.
Here I come, JENESYS 2011! Nagoya Team, ready to move out!

Repetance

2011-11-21T19:13:00.002+08:00

Over all the things in these many years, there are countless words which cannot be explained. Like how a picture is worth a thousand word. It is the same with how we want to express in our daily lives.

When one would feel remorse over the actions we make, surely enough it makes a difference in what we will see later on. Especially those who take action for their own good. More like a short run effect.

However when the time comes, in the long run, there is a bound to have a huge twirl in our lives. Like how our daily lives has a relatively direct impact in our environment, the ecosystem, our world, Earth.

How long will it stand to live. How long will it have its greenery scenes with the beauty of its animal kingdoms. In the ocean, on land and in the sky.

Wherever we go, have one ever imagined what life would be without these exceptional wonders we see today. The life cycle we are in right now, how long will it continue?

Will our actions would bring a burden to our future generation? Or will it bring peace to everyone?

How our hearbeat keeps on beating, it is the evidence that we are alive and well. Our existence leaves a footprint on our beloved world. But what do we do to show our gratitude to mother nature?

Don't you see how the Earth is crying? Just look at how the sea level continues to rise with the climate change. Like how the polar ice caps continue to melt. More animals are migrating to seek for a new haven from one place to another. But what about us humans? Is there another haven for us? If we continue to upset the balance of nature, where will we stand later on?

Make a difference!
To save the world we live in, to save ecosystem!
GO Green!

Those times...part 2

2011-10-18T22:31:00.002+08:00

I have been occupied myself with Uni stuffs, I feel like I am drifting away from people I know.

There are times I wish to spend my time to hang out, meet up, watch movies, have limteh..and more. But it seems like it is harder to do so.
The more I procastinate, the work load is building more and more. The more I study and revise, the migraine keeps coming.

Essays to write, slide presentations to prepare, practising language for writing and grammar tests..

If I was gonna list it out, it would use up too much time.

So I am stuck in this dilemma. Is it because of the difference of everyone is experiencing right now? Our priorities?

I cannot seem to balance my current lifestyle as it is. With entertainment from game(s), music, TV shows, streaming videos, anime series or manga, I hardly have the time for them.
Perhaps I am trying to understand more what is the need of the people of the country. Coz I cannot ignore the fact of what kind of life awaits for the future generation will face.

Whatever we do, it will make a difference. Whether it is the government, environment, business, society, economics or education...there is so much goes into my mind..I feel like...I do not know how to explain it.
Whatever it is...the shape of our heart changes with what our actions do rather than the words spoken.

Those times...

2011-10-03T23:28:00.002+08:00

Even when there are those times I or you feel like falling all over...again...and again...

There are times when everyone would feel at lost..

But I am glad to have friends who have been there when I need them the most :)

Cheers!
A song for you? Or for me? Or for everyone?

The pattern

2011-09-23T12:31:00.002+08:00

It has been a while since I last updated here due to the busy schedule I have right now.
Ever since I am back in uni I have been working hard. Probably too hard.
Pushing myself towards my limit.

Since I do remember the words which kept me motivated to do my best.
For which it has kept me studying and more.
Rather feel like I owe to those who have supported me. Someday I will repay them.

Alas, I was sick the other day and now I have recovered I got to go back to make up the loss time from resting and back to my assignments, tutorial questions and upcoming tests.

Back at home, it feels like I procastinate too much. Whereas at uni, I study more but spend more in food.

Speaking of food, life in uni is like a recipe for baking cookies.
(Food influence, you know who you are)
I have all the ingredients to bake them.
I can make it as plentiful as you want.
I can carefully mix all what it is needed.
I can anxiously await to eat them fresh out of the oven.
But it will never be satisfying for me.

Why?

I do enjoy my uni life. But having most of the friends who I know in different years, overseas or working I spend more time alone eating my lunch or studying alone in my free time.
Its not all bad when considering the fact now there is a study group I suggested. Slowly getting to know my coursemates more.
It is never enough. I am probably demanding too much these days.
I could guess what I am lacking in need but it is best to leave it be.

So that is my current pattern in my lifestyle now. 6 days of uni filled with reading and...eating.

Caffeine

2011-08-20T16:15:00.002+08:00

An example of its side-effects
What is more worst than not having one but one regular and a small size caffeine drinks.

Hmm... results? It made me stay up long enough to do my tutorial questions.
It made me very attentive of the first few hours of lesson.
But it was never a great outcome when the effects are draining away slowly.

So I am like..in..slow motion to think. Being over reacting to small things which caught my attention. But mostly..I have no idea what I am saying.
I wanna shut my eyes. But should I?
Two days of insane catching up with friends till late night. Bummer~
I should probably not do that again next time on 2 days off with the next day having a class
Or should I?
Hmmm..Hmm...dvd marathons..fast foods..toys..sushi..games..coffee(s)..movies..driving here and there..
That sums it all up~
Wee~

Prayer of Love

2011-08-14T16:28:00.002+08:00

Prayer of Love

Just like how we pray for our loved ones, for their safety and well-being, we all wish for their very best.
Without our loved ones, where would we be right now?

For every tears that have been shed, how many more will go running down our cheeks?
A stream can grow into a river in many, many years.
The same goes with our feelings.

If we think we care more for our selfish beings compare to others, don't you think another person in the same room would not feel anything at all?

With the answers we seek so dearly, the answers would be shown with its radiance eventually.

Life is about challenges. To accept or refuse, that's up to us to decide.

With a prayer of love, I hope my friends and families around the world would be safe.
Wish everyone are doing their best.

Calm

2011-08-05T01:56:00.003+08:00

Just like how the heart can be unsettled with so many things which can bring joy or sorrow.

I simply want to stay calm. Without anymore interactions which could lead to an unwanted scenarios. Perhaps it is too much to ask for or hope for.

For what I truly desire is to focus in what I have now. Hopefully to help out my family if possible.
It's been messy with how things are in my life. Some have been settled whereas others are still misplaced.

What can I desire more from all of this?
Simple. For my family to stay in harmony. I may have realised many things in these many months since I am back in my home country.

Whatever it is, stay focus and the path should be clear. It may be blur or translucent. As long there is a path somewhere, it is my decision or yours to take or lose it.

To appreciate the moment:
Link 1
Link 2
Some songs I feel like sharing

Fear

2011-07-30T16:32:00.005+08:00

What can your greatest fear in your life?
It can range into many kind of forms whether it involves people, animals, insects, supernatural entities and so on.

How can it be certain its your greatest fear?
You hold it dearly and close to your heart.
Simple?

That's up to you in what you see.
But to enlighten any readers there are left here,
a funny way to see fear as

If you wonder what that game is, Amnesia: Dark Descent

A Fiction

2011-07-26T21:24:00.002+08:00

Fiction

It's been more than a month since I last updated. Not that I had nothing to update but more like I chose not to update it of what has been going on in my life.

For all I have right now is the opportunity of my life. A turning point which I cannot comprehend or understood how this happened. But I am grateful I have reached at this designated point.

Seems like my path is cleared? Perhaps so. I will do whatever it takes to reach this new goal in life.

A lot of things have happened in these number of weeks. Good and bad, it probably doesn't matter now. As I'll keep on moving.

More like a fiction in an everyday life, I will prevail in what I will go through in these upcoming months.

"...Now is the start (Fiction in Fiction in Fiction)
There is no end (Fiction in Fiction in Fiction)..."

A Lifesaver

2011-06-22T20:13:00.002+08:00

A Lifesaver
Sorry but its only available in Chinese since it did happened there.
That's about it for today!

*Updated:
Why is it not worth to go clubbing, especially for guys?

No Affection

2011-06-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

Sigh. I know I should be focusing for tomorrow's preparation but I just feel like making a post now. Even though its a short one.

As I really can't stand it for what had happened earlier. For all I wanted was to be calm and be prepared for what I have to do. But..sigh..nevertheless a problem have occured and now I'm pretty much in a fcked up situation. More like I'm releasing my vent now..? Perhaps so.

I've calmed myself down. Thanks to those who were there.
I'm not a football fan, but this just fits everything that goes around me, a motto of Liverpool FC which is:

"You'll never walk alone"

...for those who have continued to support me,
for those who have been there when I need somebody to talk with,
for those who have been there when I need somebody to be with..

Thanks! Thank you very much!
Wish me luck and pray for me!! :)

The Past: Understanding

2011-06-09T01:35:00.002+08:00

Have anyone of us would try to understand one to another? From the start of a new friendship, a new light is born between two people. A trust, a bond and perhaps even more than that.

Like how one will share their problems and helping out to solve each of their problems. From listening to a person's story, giving them advices and suggestions, talking with them to discuss what are the factors related to the problems or even lending a shoulder.

Any of us could do that. But how much one will care for another? Friendship can never be treated equally but without realising, an individual would treat or help out another in ways which we might be unexpected. For one, we would do an action to comfort a troubled person. But others could do something else in returned. Something which you would wish to happen but never will.

Would anyone of us would be hearing out their problems and give care to figure out a solution to help out? Sometimes, when having someone to be there to hear you out, it can help to clear out those wandering thoughts in your mind.

There are times when we are at loss of words, we could not give a proper response. Just a moment of silence between each other. But having someone to be there for you, it is already means a lot. Anyone of us would probably not realise it but we cannot simply ask to get all the answers from a friend.

Like how one would feel not to burden another with their problems. Not to make them worry too much. Friendship can grow differently with everyone and it also varies with time. The longer we know each other, we learn to accept more of the flaws in an individual. It is not entirely true though. Have you ever felt knowing someone you can put your trust when we first met?

Sadly, the longer we know someone, it does not mean things would work out each other. Some friendship would die eventually. Because of the exposure we have individually, people change over time. Our way of thinking would be different someday. The people we meet, the conversations we have and so on.

"Why do people change so rapidly?", one would ask this question.

Simply put, people change over the years. Whether to change to a better person or would change to worst. Some people learn to adapt to their surroundings over the years in their life. What I am trying to say, there are no such people who would remain forever in the image you have in mind.

As anyone of us would probably have experienced being neglected by the people who you care so much. The possibility of having our own senses being blinded by our own feelings.

People are selfish in their own ways and reasons. For what I had experienced is nothing different with another in this world.

Silence can be one of the best answer when we are in loss of words. As words can be hurtful as how it can be meaningful too. But with silence, it can also create misunderstanding. When one would choose to stay silent and walk in their paths, untold, unexplained. It would probably be too late when the time have passed and it can never fix the problems it had created.

Through silence, it can also create distance with each other. Have anyone of us truly believe things can last forever? I have, but it always come with a price. What we truly desire there would be something in need of an exchange to begin the process. Without a word, from observing in a third person view, it can only create misunderstanding as one would simply judge or assume the possibilities. With adding sugar into our words, we could be easily fooled by them.

Over the years, people move on. For the greater good of their lives. Sometimes the way we think will eventually be different. But for what we accept someone as a friend of ours, it is what we cherish the most in our hearts.

There are times when we believe in a friend in many ways we wish it is the best choice based on the actions that friend have chosen. But reality is cruel, realization of an individual cannot be estimated. It may take years to do so.

If you were in a position where you look into the prespective of others and try to understand the problem(s) associated with someone, what would you do? Simply put, to put ourselves into the shoes of another. Would you accept yourself to be with them?

Why did I ask? Truthfully speaking, there will be a time where I would lose faith in a friendship. Not because of that person. But rather because of myself. As I usually consider how everyone would feel and think of my own feelings. Am I being considerate? Perhaps not.

The pain of one who have suffered over the years cannot be imagined. What is worst is when that pain continues to grow. A scar which can never be healed. But can only be kept hidden.

"No individual can remain the same but what you kept in your heart would remain."

The past is the past. For the memories we have of someone we treasure them close to our hearts. For the many people I have known, the remaining friends I have, how I wish things could last forever...

Friends can always be created when meeting people in different events. But what is so special with having the current friends we have right now, it is not something which can be replaced easily.
New friends < Old friends?

As those times we have shared over the years, I cannot simply let them go. However, when there are more pain given than pleasure, I think it is best to get away from it.

"What is the point of adding much more salt into a container of ocean water. What is the logic?"
My thought:
"What's the point of adding more pain to yourself when you know its best to avoid it?

Though it kills a part of me right now, this is my decision. I'd rather not cross paths to be hurt again. One cannot comprehend the pain for what I have kept in these years secretly.
For that, I realise not many would understand how I feel.

Understanding, how much have "you" understand yourself and others?

The Past: The Innocent

2011-06-06T11:49:00.005+08:00

Have anyone of us you would think we never have been in a position where it felt the world is against us?
The feeling when the people we trust simply do not believe in us. Rather put themselves as more of a priority for oneself. Meaning, they think of their own image and reputation while being inconsiderate of how one would feel as the victim.

Now this is a story, for some reason, I have just recollected after talking with my childhood friends a few days ago. But also, after remembering a story from someone else.

In the days when we were all young, we are playful, innocent and naive. For all of us are curious with how and what the world are in store for us while we live on. But curiousity killed the cat, thats what they say.

It was a simply story. It happened when I wanted to go for a toilet break. I was curious with this hole on the wall that was vandalized by some other kids in the toilet. I wondered how one can actually have the guts to kick with force to break the wall. The wall was made out of some material, plastered wall? It wasn't thick and tough. As it wasn't that durable to begin with.

So I put my foot in that hole to see how big the hole was. It was bigger than the size of my foot, if I remembered. I was stupid to be in awe in that moment when suddenly someone came. I startled. My leg jerked and somehow my foot made part of the wall to break some more. It wasn't just someone, it was one of the school's janitor.

With fear in my eyes, I was told to stay put while he (the school's janitor) went off to call someone. I ran..because I was scared and frightened.
Ran with all my might..but I was still in school. So I only went back into class and continued my studies, hoping I wouldn't be found. But I was wrong.

They soon found me and told of my wrong doings. No matter how much I told them the truth, no one believed me. I told my friends, they did believe me especially those who I trust. But without proof, I cannot prove my innocence. As kids, no one can believe in us. Especially adults...
The majority wins while I take the blame for it all. I had to pay to compensate for the damage property of the school. (Not gonna state the value) Now I think about it, my parents didn't believe me too.

It was my mistake. For my curiosity, for my fear, for myself. If I didn't put my foot in that hole, if I didn't run away and stay put, would it have make a difference?

I didn't remember all of this, but for some reason, it just came back to me. Especially when I thought of someone. Was that why I understood that person's feeling of mistrust? I probably did. I probably did not. Till this day, I never have thought to recalled this past. I must have blocked that memory as it was unwanted.

But I learned my lesson. Whether I understood of the situation back then and think about it now, I couldn't believe this part of my memory came back to me.
Then again, from a manga, One Piece, (I forgot which chapter) but the anime episode 496, the thought of the character, Sabo, is somewhat similar to what I think of how adults are. Well...his story was a tragic ending anyway. Its still fictional yet touching.

The past is the past. As what we carry in the present is the burden we had from the past. Whether we truly learned our lesson and realized to be a better person, that is up to anyone of us to take the step forward.
So, have "you" felt that "you" are the innocent one yet no one was there to believe in "you"?
I have and this what have made me to who I am today.

アンハッピーリフレイン

2011-06-04T10:52:00.004+08:00

I don't usually share my music taste especially regarding my interest to a certain synthesize program which can create melodies and voices. Reminder Hatsune Miku 初音ミク is not an anime character. It is a program.
But considering some of my favourite music producers, writers and so on, this is one of my favourite, wowaka. As he recently released his first album last month.
Word of warning, his songs have a double meaning so what you might understand would be different from someone's else point of view.

*English and chinese subs are available in some of these songs*

The songs in order from the album:
1. Unhappy Refrain
2. Rollin' Girl
3. Building-Block Doll
4. My Talent
5. The Usual and the Earth Picture-Frame (New)
6. The Palm
7. Shall Not Pass
8. Lineart
9. Two-Faced Lovers
10. In a Gray Zone.
11. Slipping Away
12. Reversible Doll
13. World's End Dancehall
14. Prism Cube (New)

Unhappy Refrain アンハッピーリフレイン
- is this what you call your happiness? Or another mistake in life?..

Rolling Girl ローリンガール
- a song about a girl who can't stand it anymore..but a friend is there when least expected..so stop hurting yourself even more..

Standing in you way とおせんぼ
- "Don't look at me. Just leave me. Smile with your innocent eyes"

Two-Faced Lovers 裏表ラバーズ
- a song to realize what you see is real or not...what to believe in..about love..

World's End Dance Hall ワールズエンド・ダンスホール
- a song about someone who is willing to go with you to the bitter end.."Would you rather die?"
:some interesting interpretation of this song which everyone has their story they could believe in.

"i have a different interpretation: luka is a girl who never used to have friends, so she got imaginary ones (miku) but for this she got bullied, no matter how great a friends miku was she had to abandon her. but this was abandoning herself, leaving her feeling alone and trapped, untill she just wanted to die. she jumped from a building, just in time for miku to return. with nothing she could do to save her, they fell to their death, becoming one person once again."

"Y'know, for some reason, I always interpreted this as that Miku and Luka are lovers and that they're getting teased a lot about it. The teasing really gets to Luka; so much so that she wants to kill herself. Miku just kinda shrugs the teasing off, but when she sees that Luka decides to jump off that building, she jumps with her."

Different song producer, doriko, but still worth mentioning:
Romeo and Cinderalla ロミオとシンデレラ
- a story between two lovers. true love or fake love?..

Another one, supercell:
Goodbye Memories さよならメモリーズ
- a story about the untold feelings towards someone...
A very beautiful song..so innocent yet romantic..just like a dream...a song which describes a part of me very well. Believe it or not?
I have his first album but this second one..someday I'll get this! <3 My most favourite song right now. Thanks to nagi who sang for supercell's work!

Last night, Good night
-no subs, but a favourite from livetune. I have this album <3

Someday, I'll get doriko and wowaka's album. For now be patient. And budget!

Another song! By ぼーかりおどP さま
1/6
- "...to enlighten your sorrows..."

Another simple song:
No thank you! お断りします
One youtuber said "This is the most polite "fuck you" I've ever heard."
For which it is kinda true when you have a bad day!!

Did you listen or read the lyrics of all the songs posted here?
So go on pass your thoughts to me through FB msg! I'll await for a response!

The Light

2011-05-28T21:10:00.002+08:00

In a world where not many may know,
a world where the lives of many begins,
a place where everyone starts their story.

In the depth of the darkness,
a small, dim light appears.

Weak and powerless,
it is as if it is fading away.

Colourless,
it slowly emits its radiance.
not able to determine its colour,
the light keeps on shining in the dark.

Staying still,
it is afraid of the darkness.

Alone,
it feels the sheer terror of the dark empty space.

Slowly, the light attempts to break free,
but repeatedly goes back to its initial place.

After repetitive tries, it keeps on trying,
never to give up, never to lose faith.

The light must have realised,
in every being there must be a reason in life,
so it begins to search for that reason.

Countless attempts, the light keeps on fighting,
the darkness overwhelms the small being,
but the light keeps on trying.

Finally,
over the many weeks,
the light slowly grows over time.

Overcoming the obstacles,
the light continues on its journey.

Eventually it is able to meet other coloured lights,
green, red, pink, blue, yellow and so on..
slowly over the harsh situations.

The light was in awe,
amazed by the wonders of different beings,
it is now being accompanied by the coloured lights.

Sadly, the light is still colourless,
and wonders, "why am I like this?"
the light was restless with this question.

However, the coloured lights never questioned the colourless light.

Until one day, the colourless light asked the coloured lights,
"Why am I different than everyone?"

One of them answered,
"We are all unique, in our hearts and soul, not to compare each other. As we all have our own personality.
Understand this, it does not mean we do not like each other. Surely we envy one to another, but there is always the acceptance of how grateful we are to know each other."

The colourless light was relieved,
it was speechless,
with an outburst of joy..

suddenly, it emits a stronger radiance,
an unknown colour.

Stronger, powerful,
the light was majestic.

The darkness could not stand this unknown light.
The darkness would not dare to interfere.

The colourless light was happy,
it was happy to have the coloured lights to be there,
despite the difference they have,
they were able to accept each other.

No matter where the lights go,
no matter how dark their paths are,
they kept on going,
to search for the reason to their existence.

Whether one will eventually fades away,
their will continues on within the other lights.

Stronger than before,
every light has their strengths and weaknesses.
Hence, the lights help each other when they are in needed.

Knowing this, we are all different but unique within ourselves. Believe in our hearts than what our eyes see. Probably you will be able to see the light within us.
Cherish it, for what light you are, the radiance you emit is the strength of many you may not realise. So believe in yourself and have faith!

A Lost Friend

2011-05-19T12:35:00.004+08:00

When we look back at the number of people we have met,
the times we share our stories to each other,
when we would laugh or cry in those moments,
the times we would be there when needed.

Thinking back of when I first started to be somewhere new, unknown and undefined in its own ways.
A place where you feel insecure as a complete stranger.
A place where we can start a new beginning.
A place where a new friendship is born.

There was a friend who I used to know.
My first friend when I started in this new environment.
The first person to talked with and didn't seem to be bothered where I came from.

I was happy and grateful to meet that person; a girl.
For whatever I was told, I would gladly accept the task.
The first friend who seemed to care for me.
In my mind, I hoped it could last forever.

But it didn't...

I felt like I had no will nor pride in what I did.
For being controlled in her perspective of right and wrong.
I could never fight back against her words.

However...
She could do things the way she would liked and no restraint and no guilt.
Always demanding.
Always wanted more to be given.
No matter what, she can satisfy her needs in ways she feel suitable for her point of view.
Not knowing it directly hurt me.
What was her motive?
Her reason?

I could never tell.
The more I dwell myself to understand my friend, the more she would blame me as it was my fault to begin with.
Was it jealousy?

It goes on continuously. For 5 years it kept on going like that.
A fight, a talk, a conclusion
Result: my fault
But I was never told why. The more I try to asked why, the blame keeps growing on me from her opinion.
When trying to confront her, only a glare was given and she walked away leaving me with unspoken words filled with confusion and frustration.

Until one day,
an untold story,
an unknown reason,
something happened,
between my first friend and another.

I hesitated not knowing what to do,
not knowing what had happened,
not knowing what had started this.

But somehow, deep inside me, I probably knew the source. I never seemed to accept it or assumed that was the answer.

With the decision I took,
I lost it all.
the 5 years of my life that can never return.
the 5 years of my so-called happiness.

For what I believed in, it felt like it was more than that.

Despite that, being controlled over my life by her, I thought I could finally get my freedom from the venomous grasp of her will. The poison that slowly seeps through both my mind and body.
But the price have been paid. For what is done is done.
For what is loss, there is something else to be gained.
The changes have been set.

My dear lost friend,
I am sure to this day you would never forgive me.
But never being told what was your reason.
Never seem to have thought of what I have in my mind.
Am I still the wrong one?

Now it is lost,
For the lesson I learned...
Never to put so much trust.
Never to believe in what you may think be true.
Never to hope you can handle it alone.
As it always was just "Friends"

Can "you" withstand the sheer pressure of being blamed? For what is never wrong to begin with it is considered "you" are at fault? How many years can "you" take it? How long will "you" endure it?
That is your story that may have either been written or not.

Days Of Our Lives

2011-05-18T10:54:00.003+08:00

For the many thoughts I have kept hidden.
For the many moments that will never return.
The unspoken words which were never told.
The truth that is never been known.

The continuous lie which kept running.
The intentions which have been ongoing.
To accept the facts of life.
To be able to carry the burden.

Someday when the moments will be forgotten.
The memories will remain.
Unchanged in ways we remembered them.
Untold by what is written in our hearts.

A story that many will not know.
The joyful days which were so bright.
The sorrowful days which were ever so gloomy.
The days of our lives.

君がそばにいるように (Kimi ga soba ni iru you ni - Because you are near)
Nicovideo *Need an account to watch the video*
Youtube

A New Path

2011-05-11T00:34:00.002+08:00

Why does it feels like the past is repeating itself like a cycle?
Why does it have to come back to me when least expected?
I hate this feeling.
This feeling of being..
There is hardly anyone I can talk to. If there is, the pain is always there, I'd rather remain silent.
Whatever it is, it is coming back to me. Like how it was when I was in UK. I hate this feeling.
But back then was slightly different, my flatmates were there to help me out.
Now, my family is here, but they misunderstand instead.
There are other important things I have to worry about. Things I really need to clear up for my own good. A career. A life..
Life..
Since when it has been this dull, quiet and dark.
It is never seem to be the same anymore. Games, TV shows. It doesn't feel like it used to.
I am always a quiet person. But I chose to be different. To change over the years.
These days, I feel like I am guided to be who I was before.
A new path?
This feeling..
As long as I don't think about it, the pain will go away. So think less, do things more.
However,
did I do the same mistake(s) unintentionally?..
I better not think about it too much. The pain is overwhelming.

Talent

2011-05-10T13:19:00.002+08:00

One shall not be judged by what you cannot do for anyone of us have the capability to try something we never try before.
Until we try, we will never know what we are capable of.

As for me, I am gonna try to explore different areas of myself. To understand what I am capable of.
Though I may fail, there is no point to give up. To do whatever it takes.
One shall fall, another shall rise.

Hopefully a better self.
I will do what I can. In any possible way.

Dormant

2011-05-08T19:46:00.003+08:00

You know how it feels when something that bothers you so much and yet you keep hiding it or forget about it. Move on with your life. As how crucial it is or not, that is dependent on how the factors related which have caused all of it.

This feeling which have been kept inside. Restrained from being let loose. From being erupted. Like a dormant volcano waiting to go off. But its a matter of time when it will happen.

As for me, its been days now..4-5 days.
And counting..
Day by day, as much I have been trying to keep it within, I do not know how much will I be able to hold it much longer.

"Avoid negative sources, people, places and habits."

The source to all of this, you might ask? I already know. But I have been telling myself I can ignore it. Nowadays, it seems unlikely...

The emotions collected from these past years which I have forgotten, I have recalled them instead. Piling up like books on the shelves of a library. The thickness of these books tell the stories of particular events and individuals involved in a single month.

To add all those books from these several years, I wonder how much can you imagine I have kept them away in total. Until now...

The limits of an individual shall not be underestimate. Rather how to restrict and break through the limits is a certain matter one shall overcome.

I have chosen not to tell this to anyone before..as I'd rather not hurt anyone instead.

It is a matter of time before all will change..
For better or worst..
It is painful to think about it.

Failure

2011-05-05T11:27:00.007+08:00

福無重至, 禍不單行
fú wú chóng zhì, huò bú dān xíng

Why do failure seems to be written everywhere where I try to settle with? Is it sticking out of my head?

As these challenges I keep on facing seems to escalate, I feel the world is against me. I do what I can to fulfill my desires to reach a better goal, but misfortune seems to be attracted to me.
Or have I created misfortune to myself?

How many times does it take to reach my destination? What does it take for me to be where I belong? Why does it have to be like this?

When anyone desire too much, it can create your own heaven or hell. Either way, you will be engulfed in its own surroundings. How to control your own desires? Should I desire less so it can be balanced?

"Go with the flow," like how others have said.

However it seems I am not needed. More like, this is not the place where I belong.

Lack of fortune, it seems that how it is for me. I can hardly get around being unemployed. How long does it have to be this tough and harsh? Even though I have my qualifications, the opportunities seem to clash with other events. It feels like it is impossible to go through all of this.

"Taking things for granted," like how others have said.
Why? Do no judge me for not knowing what I have gone through!!
When I am not fated to be with the opportunities available. I have to create my own. Build my own door of opportunities?

It feels like I should get out of my own knowledge and explore more to understand what I can be capable of.
However, how much more do I have to endure? I blame myself for not trying harder. Should I care less and be more selfish and stubborn to myself?
One thing for certain, I'm frustrated at myself!

As a failure for several reasons and causes, I continue on to face what will come next. Until I can find a place where I belong...
But will I change..to better or worst...

Open up your mind

2011-05-04T17:46:00.002+08:00

An old song. More than a decade ago. But still a nice song.
Chinese version is available below.

To download the song
Chinese version
Open Up Your Mind

English Translation:

In this world when life can be so tough
You must be strong
Just believe in yourself and don't you fear
So open up your mind and close your eyes
Take another look from the other side

Even on a lonely night, when you wander afraid,
you may be alone now, but
your feet can take you however far you want to go

Just hold on tight, because if you close your eyes,
look inside yourself, there's a shining light there.
Yes, I want you to believe in everything.
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight, even if your heart is breaking.
Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow.
Yes, if you have the strenght to live,
You can take another look from the other side,
until you find all that is love...

I wish for you to have the strenght
to make it through this world,
so open up your mind,
and you'll be able to see...

Just remember you are not alone
So don't you fear
Even though you're miles away
I'm by your side
So open up your mind and close your eyes
I'll be there for you no matter where you are

Japanese lyrics:

もしも今すべてがうまくなんて　いかない　負けそうになる時だって
瞳を閉じれば　心から　世界が　見えてくる

In this world when life can be so tough
You must be strong
Just believe in yourself and don't you fear
So open up your mind and close your eyes
Take another look from the other side

孤独な夜でも　迷い恐れる時も
今はひとりでも　この足で　どこまでも歩いていけるはずだから

Just hold on tight　瞳閉じたなら
Look inside yourself　輝きがあるから
Yes, 　全て　信じて欲しい
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight　心くじけても
Reach into your soul　明日が見えなくても
Yes,　生きる　強さがあれば
You can take another look from the other side
愛の全てに出会うまで…

この世界で生き抜いていくための　強さを
あなたに願っているから
心の扉を開いたら　何かが見えてくる

Just remember you are not alone
So don't you fear
Even thought you're miles away
I'm by your side
So open up your mind and close your eyes
I'll be there for you no matter where you are

星の命なら永いけど
いつまでも同じこの日々がくりかえすわけじゃない
明日は誰にも見えない

Just hold on tight　瞳閉じたなら
Look inside yourself　鼓動感じるから
Yes,“MIRAI”信じて欲しい
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight　心くじけても
Reach into your soul　明日が見えなくても
Yes、違う　世界があって
You can take another look from the other side
愛の全てに出会えるよ…

Just hold on tight　瞳閉じたなら
Look inside yourself　鼓動感じるから
Yes、“MIRAI”信じて欲しい
You can take another look from the other side

Just hold on tight　心くじけても
Reach into your soul　明日が見えなくても
Yes、違う　世界があって
You can take another look from the other side
愛の全てに出会うまで…

Prayer

2011-05-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

As I watch you from a distant,
I let my voice out,
not able to hear a word,
I start to run after you.

As I watch you from a distant,
I try to hold you,
not able to reach out,
I fall down on my kness.

In the middle of the night,
I sit still looking at the sky,
hidden by the clouds,
I wait for a star to shine brightly.

As a shooting star is falling down,
I make a wish,
A prayer for you,
For all the best.

When the silence fills up the heart,
I hold up a little loneliness somewhere within.

Even though when all seems to be falling apart,
the anxiety have been swept away by you.

As these hands could not protect from what I care,
I offer a pray,
just for you.

As a shooting star is falling down,
my wish have been heard,
A prayer for you,
I shall continue on.

Waiting for you.

"For whatever you are going through right now, I can't really say but you will be in my prayers. Praying for all the best for you."

To be blame

2011-05-02T15:16:00.002+08:00

"Better I be wrong than be wronged."

From what to eat,
it tastes sweet to bitter.

From what to eat,
it taste good to bad.

When no more words to be accepted,
waiting for an answer leaves you clinging on a string which would break eventually.

When I know it is my fault for not choosing the right words, I can only blame myself for any wrong doings.

So I continue on waiting. Sigh. No mood. Bye.

A New Time

2011-04-29T22:50:00.002+08:00

When the curtains are set, the stage is ready, the countdown starts before the start of the show.
The start of a new beginning.

Over the past two weeks of isolation from society. Like a soulless world that I have been trapped. Hoping to find a soul. Pure. Kind. Caring.

But sounds rather demanding?

As the more we desire, it can create our own heaven and hell. To choose to desire less for what we are given. Can we control our own desires?

Like an unrequited love. One sided feelings toward another. Not returned, not to be able to attain.

Desires can wreck havoc in our heart and soul. But to be devoted to one, would we be able to do so? The answer: you choose. (Yes or No)

Ironically, a person can make you feel at ease. As if all the worries have been blown away by a holy wind. A majestic light starts to shine upon you. Attracted to the light, you are consumed by the purity of the living soul.

As the curtains slowly rises up, the flashing lights blinding your eyes, you step forward to be witness by the audience.

Giving a bow to greet the viewers and giving a speech to sharpen the image for your own reputation. Will you boldly accept the challenge and face them all?

It is time. To write a new page of a new year.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

PS:
An interesting song I found through subscribing to chestersee
I'll say my piece

When we were young..

2011-04-28T16:05:00.003+08:00

When we were young,
knowing nothing about life,
we were pampered by the love from our parents,
since the day we were born.

Treated with care and love,
days were filled with joy of smiles and laughters,
full of warmth of their affections,
you would be grateful to be with them.

When we were young,
from crawling with all our might,
we eventually have the strength to stood up,
without noticing,
you are already running with your feet.

Through our own struggles,
we kept pushing ourselves,
without prevail,
we overcome whatever may be upon us.

When we were young,
from learning to speak,
we eventually have the means to communicate,
with friends and family,
you can speak out what you want to say,

Through socialising with people,
we learn to understand one to another,
as we express our feelings into the actions we do,
to show appreciation and be thankful for the people who we love.

When we were young,
we learn more of ourselves,
from our daily lives,
we try to find a place where we belong.

Like two broken pieces,
we gracefully look for the other piece,
one that truly fit us,
as a complete piece.

When we were young,
we lose and gain throughout the days passing by,
for what may be lost,
we attain something greater before.

It is not possible to keep everything in hand,
as one day we would eventually lose our grip,
slowly slipping away,
in a blink of an eye,
it is already gone.

When we were young,
we learn the truth of many things,
but may be too innocent and naive to understand it all,
so we kept on going for being curious to search for more.

As harsh the reality of this world,
we try to overcome our fears,
seeking knowledge for us to understand,
how life would be hard for us,
never to be easy as we thought.

When we were young,
we see so many things that thrill our hearts,
so tremendous it is hard to believe,
disguised as a cover of a book,
we believe in what we see.

As many not be real in our naked eyes,
it can be deceiving and easily fooled,
we can never judge so simplictic,
for that we would be judgemental.

When we were young,
many things have scared us out of our wits,
we fear so much we do not wish to face it,
so we continue on running away.

For what we fear most,
it would certainly be a way to build our character,
without facing fear, we may have fear ourselves,
to escape from what we seek.

Throughout our lives, we may never seem to cherish every single moment we have.
For what we have given and attained may be lost before we know it.

How the wind blows gracefully in a field of flowers,
the scent succumbs you,
the aroma fills our senses,
we feel so blissed,
as if we are the wind,
like a bird flying in the infinite blue sky,
wherever we may go.

As the wind slowly dissipates,
it was merely like a dream to begin with.

Life is short, we can never expect what has been written in our lives.
For what we truly desire may never seem to come true.
The answer we seek, may have slowly fades away,
to the end of the world.

Disappointed

2011-04-27T23:06:00.001+08:00

The inner self can be strong as an iron wall. Sturdy and tough, not even with a flinch it can stay where it is.

But with so many pressure from the surroundings, the iron wall slowly deteriorates. Weathering takes place, as it is slowly rusts. Slowly losing its efficiency. Slowly losing itself. Eventually it breaks down.

The feeling of disappointed in myself for not bring able to do what I can do. For being told word by word of how inefficient I am. How unreliable I have been. How people expected me more for what I can achieve. For words I want to keep true seems like it is a lie.

For how much effort I try strive to keep maintain my inner self. The pressure keeps building up.

As if I am in an abyss, so deep, so dark, I am suffocating for my own reasons I wish I can say.

In the final moments of being crushed by the sheer pressure.

I wonder how much I can take all of this.
Being stuck at home for almost 2 weeks now. Beside going out for family gatherings.

I hide myself in a mask so no one would see my true self. With fake laughters and smiles.
My family don't know anything about how I feel. Only to believe I am taking things too granted. Being labelled as what they see me as. Not trying to understand in my current position.

So many people are too occupied with their daily lives. As the world doesn't circles itself around me. I am merely a grain of sand waiting to be washed away by the waves and slowly disappear.

Disappointed by others and myself. I hide myself again in a mask. Hoping no one will know.

Quiet Days

2011-04-26T19:00:00.001+08:00

As the day has just begun,
I open the curtain and look outside,
where I gaze upon the morning sunshine,
I think, "What could I do today?"

The days where we cried and laugh just felt like it was yesterday,
Would you wonder what will the path we chose would bring us?

Carefully looking through my memories of joy and sorrow,
I am already loss in words.

With tears of joy,
I smile and be grateful for having you there
and said, "Thank you."

With tears of sorrow,
I wipe away my tears and lean on your shoulder
for you being there.
I said, "Thank you."

As I continue my journey,
more challenges await ahead,
I brace myself and step forward.

By the time it was the end of spring,
we go our own separate ways,
for all it began was in winter.

Through the cold wind and snow,
with a welcoming smile,
it was already heartwarming,
nothing else seems to matter.

Through our holding hands,
I can feel your warmth pass to me,
As I look into your eyes,
you are like my sunshine.

For the indescribable warmth you have given,
"Thank you"
As the quiet days continue on without you.

No matter how much warmth you have given,
why do I feel I am not satisfied?
why do I yearn for more?
when you are already gone, I was too late to realize it.

Hiding my true feelings,
I quietly go on with my life,
if there is one wish I would want
is to be with you right now.

As I try to keep up with the pace of life,
I struggle and fell down,
with a lending hand,
you were there to help me.

Through our holding hands,
I can feel your warmth pass to me,
As I look into your eyes,
you are like my sunshine.

For the indescribable warmth you have given,
"Thank you"
As the quiet days continue on without you.

Life is like a boat

2011-04-25T20:01:00.003+08:00

Life is like a boat
(English subs)
(Chinese subs)

"The journey still goes on
Even on quiet days.."

An old song I just happened to remember.

What Are Words

2011-04-24T08:48:00.003+08:00

"Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone.."

Chris Medina - What are words

To be honest, I didn't know who was the singer as I heard it somewhere three months ago. But the lyrics are meaningful. It was really touching. When I heard the first few lines of this song, I couldn't stop crying.

Honestly, what are words if you don't really mean it when you say them?

Myself 22/04/11

2011-04-22T16:10:00.004+08:00

With so many thoughts that has been going in my mind, I cannot really say I have been doing the right things.

For what I really want to do seems like it is uncertain that I should be doing. But my mind is set. I want to do it. Just that what I have gotten are negative opinions from others which have surrounded me. Only a few have supported with my idea.

Doing the same routine all over again. What is there to look forward to?
When all fails we look for an alternative? Or keep on trying?
When all is not done yet, we strive our very best to complete the challenge.

I do feel I have been disappointing myself for what I have been trying to do seems futile. I can't go to sleep at ease without saying out my thoughts. I can't simply do things leisurely when these thoughts keeps on going in a cycle. But the answer I would hear from others are sometime hurtful. While some would be..words which I cannot described. In a positive way.

I kinda feel sorry to myself for having written very emotional posts the past days. But now I feel like I could stand up again. Funny how I lose all my credit thanks to that. It was worth it.

It is a gamble I have to face now. Whether I will be able to pull myself through, should I dive myself straight on or calmly walk forward.
Through the fire and flames...of this society.

That decision is what I will have to take. To lose it or grab any chances available.

For what..

2011-04-21T00:36:00.003+08:00

For what we have been doing, we surely have our reasons to do so.

For what we have been studying, we all seek for knowledge.

For what we have believe in, we surely had the determination to do so.

For what we have been searching for, we surely had to look to do so.

For what we have been singing, we try convey our feelings from that moment.

For what we have been walking, we have been going to look for the right path to do so.

For what we have been running from, we have gotten away from the pain.

For what we have been suffering from, we have endure it for as long as you can imagine.

For what we have been looking at, we surely may not realize what is hidden.

For what we have been chasing, we fight for what is righteous.

For what we have been imagining, we have dream it would come true someday.

For what we have been dreaming, we are all looking for a happy ending.

For what you are thinking right now, I wonder what would that be?

The Room

2011-04-20T14:26:00.002+08:00

Trapped in this confined space,
whatever is keeping me sane,
I keep on searching.

The more it feels to be stuck,
the more it feels to be suffocate,
the more it feels I am losing it.

The thoughts that linger in my mind,
the words that I wish to convey,
the words that I wish to let it out.

Games.
Games..
Gah, they don't seem to matter now.

Every year seems to be the same,
different room,
but similar ceiling.

I can't stop thinking,
I can't occupy my mind with something.

If there is,
it is too much for a wish.

Falling

2011-04-19T16:09:00.001+08:00

Slowly I open my eyes,
there is no light,
there is no sound.

When I look around,
I am not standing,
I am not running.

When I shout out,
I cannot hear an answer,
I cannot listen my own voice.

When I reach out my hand,
I cannot grab anything,
I cannot touch anything.

I am... falling.
To somewhere I do not know,
To somewhere new.

To all that I've ever known,
I keep falling,
To reach to the unknown,
if you know what I mean.

As I keep searching,
I will continue on falling.

Remember

2011-04-18T23:11:00.002+08:00

When the things around doesn't feel right at its place.
You feel the world is shaken just how your heart feels.
The more your feelings waver, the more hurt you become.

But remember this, are you alone?

Do you remember how we met?
Whether it was fate that brought us here,
it surely was a magical moment.

Over the years,
the number of people I have met,
the number of people who I haven't seen,
the number of people who I have forgotten,
the number of people who I still remember.

If I could write a storybook about you,
I think it would be a fairytale.
But the ending would only be the beginning of something new.
Or would it simply end?

Eventually everyone will go on their separate ways.
But I won't forget you.
That is a promise.

Will you remember me?
For who I am.
Or will I be forgotten?

Will there be a wish,
for we could meet each other again someday?

The Silence

2011-04-17T15:36:00.004+08:00

In a moment when there are no words to say or simply put, lost in words. You look outside the window and your mind wanders into thoughts.

The moments when silence is the best answer. You quietly wrap yourself in your shell and stay hidden from everyone.

The silence.

How you walk around the streets, nothing else amplifies around you. For all you hear is a complete silence. Walking endlessly through the corners of the street, aimlessly, you wonder why have you reached to this destination. The reason to all of this, you asked yourself.

You look back and think about it. But rather not to dwell into it too much. The past may hurt us for what we cannot let go.

As times, when we ask others, we receive silence as an answer. What kind of thoughts would that person be thinking right now?..

"Let me hear your voice.
If we are being honest,
we can surely understand each other.
So open up your heart.."

BIGBANG - 声をきかせて (Let me hear your voice)

Sometimes when we are annoyed or pissed off, silence is an answer. But when you are alone, do not stay silent. Everyday think to yourself, you are not alone. There are surely people who is there for you.

Hoping to hear an echo in this quiet room, the sound of the melodies in the heart slowly entangles and creates a music which soothens and calms the mind and soul. The smiles, the laughs, the voices.

Will "you" be there? Even in silence.

2011-04-16T20:40:00.004+08:00

Title of this post:
The story of my life?

Though this video is old. But, why not share it? (Part 1 out of 3)
Part 3 seems rather unrealistic in my opinion.

"Nice guys are always finish last."

The Discouraged

2011-04-15T10:20:00.002+08:00

How words not chosen carefully before said, it can lead to hurt the people who you care. The moments when you feel you want to ask for advices or merely to talk with someone, you feel even worst than before.

As one word can already put you to the ground, you relentlessly try to go back up your feet. But the pressure keeps you pin down.

The discouraged.

For everyone, we all have our moments when we feel our day is turning against us. Hence, we go and look for a lending hand to reach for a better day ahead of us. Thanks to that person.

Any problems in our lives can really put a beating emotionally. Not seen with the naked eye. You would think the he/she is alright. But you are wrong.

How we look for warmth from others can end up in a let down. The truth hurts, yes! I get that, but why does it have to be rub all over my face so many times? Why mention it not once, but many times?! Why doesn't that person understand?

Even how a person starts talking to you may end up hurting you instead. When their intention is to help you out?

To put it this way, when we see people are feeling down, you would want to be there if you could help that person out. But what good does it make if you are making it worst?

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

If you are there, it would probably be best to by their side and listen.

Words not chosen without thought can truly hurt someone. We all would feel down because our colleagues, friends or family have a high expectations in our accomplishments in life.

If you are to ask me, I know someone doesn't appreciate with my decisions. As I continuously beaten to the ground emotionally. But I have no power to go against that person. Or do I?

For "you" the discouraged one, don't let them push "you" as they like. We have the decisions to change that. If your determination is strong, "you" can pull it through it somehow.

As "you" can finally reach for what "you" are aiming for. Have "you" found it?

The Lies

2011-04-13T17:31:00.002+08:00

The moments you cannot simply say or mention and somehow make up a story or statement to ensure that person would believe your words. To pretend with intent to deceive. The feeling of insecurity you would wish not to show, you hide your true self with words which are false.

Trying to find the right words, hesitate to answer and slowly release the words which are not true.

The lies.

There are ways for which lies can be for the good or bad use. Like how parents help to educate their children with small lies to ensure they are not easily tainted by the corruption around them. As people are born pure, naive and innocent. A little misguidance can already lead to the wrong path of life. A life which may not be easily change. For a good lie, it can help but those words need to be chosen wisely.

Lies can also be used in a way not to hurt others who you care and love. For we all have one or more things we cannot simply say or share. Everyone has their privacy from their background experiences and stories in their life. Though in a matter of trust, one can share and help to understand each other.

Like how words can be spoken truthfully but not fully. That is not a lie. We choose what we want to say. To what extent of explanation and details of the certain topic of the conversation, for that we decide.

What rights do we have if people want you to spill out every single detail of your daily life? Would you feel comfortable with that kind of attitude?

Unfortunately, lies are ways which are more profound towards the negative. For lies can easily deceive a person. What's more how lies can easily hurt more. As I have said, the truth hurts but lies are worse.

From a single lie you may or not feel the guilt inside you. Burning the living flesh inside as you keep the truth to yourself and hope it would stop from there. Slowly healing onwards. Probably thinking people would easily forgotten about it. However, the more lies you make, the more it stacks up, you may never reach to a returning point. From there on, no one would believe your words whether it is the truth or not.

People should learn to limit on what kind of lie they may say. I'm not trying to encourage. But rather, hope to understand why one has started it first. We choose not to hurt others. That is probably part of our nature as humans. As we are filled with emotions such as love and care. What good would it be if we hurt them instead?

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - Dalai Lama XIV

For whatever lie "you" have made, do "you" feel happy or sad?
Perhaps "you" are trying to run away from something?
We all have our reasons why do we lie but think whether it is the right or wrong thing to do.

When the time comes, "you" choose your words. As what keeps "you" from revealing the truth, that is something "you" have chosen.

The Unforgiven

2011-04-12T10:58:00.004+08:00

The moments when an incident surrounded by negative emotions of pain, deceive and despise which had happened to you. Those feelings wreck havoc in your heart as the more you think of it you cannot simply accept it.

Packing up the remaining feelings you have, you walked away and never look back. Never to forgive and never to forget.

The unforgiven.

From what experience in life you could have done but wished to rewrite your own story to hope for a better life right now is something anyone would wish for.

Like a piece of blank paper to start your adventure. Or to start a new chapter. When something ends, it is just the beginning of new story.

How fairy tales always have a story filled with plots and twists which eventually leads to a happy ending. Such as the moment when you found your happiness. You would wish it would never end. May it goes on with your life forever.

Sadly, the truth hurts, but lies are worse.

An incident which involved yourself with individuals you are acquinted with or personally known for months or years could may end up shattered in pieces in a split second. From a simple decision can also be a harsh decision. Is that the face of reality?

There is no such thing as an easy life. For those who may have thought it that way, that person have taken things for granted. Perhaps there is a reason to it? Without effort, you would not simply move on forward.

As how the unforgiven thinks, have you ever wondered?
A scar too deep which still remains. It shapes the person who he/she is now. Whether or not, it has affected that person, you may not know without questions and answers.

To how far the negative feelings dwells and succumbs your inner self, there could be no other explanation to say it unless trying to open up yourself and hopefully someone is there for you. Someday. To accept the person who he/she is. Despite the flaws others who have judge and not accept. For that someone would always be there to help out.

So are "you" one of the unforgiven? What could you have possibly done make you the evil being in the eyes of the victim? Or perhaps the victim is actually the evil being and visa versa? How long will the unforgiven remains that way?

That is something for "you" to decide. As mistakes in our lives can't be redone. So when you lose, never lose the lesson.

The Forgiven

2011-04-10T19:28:00.003+08:00

The moments when you feel you should forgive involving people in certain activities and places in an event(s). The feeling that you would be willing to give a second chance to a certain degree. Whether it is friendship, companionship or relationship.

Holding onto your feelings, set your mind, step forward, confront or approach and move on.

The forgiven.

Like what they all say: "To forgive and to forget."

It is commonly heard for which people accept and understand each other. In a way to strengthen the bond in the prespective of two or more individuals.

But the question is; "To what extent can you forgive someone?"

Surely enough, there are many moments when you feel guilt and wrong that you would ask for an apology. For many factors in life could easily blind your senses from right and wrong. Whether or not, he/she realises it lies a different answer you seek truthfully.

There are moments you would forgive someone but not easily forgotten about them. As something cruel, hurt or disappointment could lead a hidden scar you would/could never find.

As how deep that scar is, I would not be able to estimate it. But from my own prespective in life, I never forgotten about it.

People seek peace in their life; heart and soul. Whether it is to find their happiness for themselves and loved ones. For that it is understandable.

“I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness…”

Dalai Lama quotes (Head of the Dge-lugs-pa order of Tibetan Buddhists, 1989 Nobel Peace Prize, b.1935)

So are "you" one of the forgiven? How much have you forgive and kindly accepted as how it was before and after? That answer lies within "you".

The Given

2011-04-09T18:58:00.003+08:00

The moments when everything that revolts around you you simply take, as you believe this what you deserve. Happily accepted anything as if you are awarded in your victory in the competition of life. You would gladly take it for your own self interest.

Holding on to any treasures you have, you take it all and care less for those who have sacrifised for your sake.

The given.

For how much we have lived we certainly may not realise what sacrifices of others have done for where you are right now. But not all are like this. As the ticking sound of your clock echoes in your room, how do you feel when you are about to go to sleep? At ease or in pain?

Many have strived to do whatever it takes to reach to their goal. Or reach to a turning point in their lives where they finally see a clear image of themselves. Such as: to love themselves and to love others.

But how can one love themselves without able to give love back to others? Is it self denial that you would be selfishly hold onto your happiness without considering of others?

Are you able to keep onto your words? Truthfully and faithfully.

For those who take things for granted, is this your happiness? Are those words you have spoken speaks out what you truly desire? The wants and needs.

The trouble you might have caused to physically or emotionally injuired someone for your own selfishness is something I would not simply judge. Or I probably have. As far as it can be, the given may not realise this at all.

Whatever it takes to open the eyes of the given, "you" will be the decisive point of their lives. Perhaps? I would not be certain. So what thoughts for this matter would "you" be thinking right now? I suppose "you" have the answer.

The Forgotten

2011-04-07T17:39:00.005+08:00

The unknown moments where you feel like you are puzzled by your own actions. Confused whether you want to move on or not. In the path you have set.

Holding on the little things you have, you leave the rest behind.

The forgotten.

For how much we have live on in our lives. We live with memories of so much. But not all can remain. As days passed by, every living beings would eventually slowly grow old and live on in a different world. The world we may not yet seen.

The number of occasions which we would think would last forever. But slowly dies out. Like a candlelight lit in a dark room. Soon to fade. Soon to stop burning. Leaving a room filled with nothing but darkness.

Eventually, slowly...really slowly, you will forget the taste of things and things that really hurt.

We forget the painful moments we had and step up to become a better person. We eventually forget the knowledge we have obtained from our days of childhood, too.

Fortunately what they have passed on to us shall never be forgotten. As those days reminds of who you are. In other words, that is how human beings are.

"I've been down on this road before..
I walk out the door..
Leave you on the floor..."
-Memoirs of A Teenage Amnesiac- 誰かが私にキスをした

For what ever you have forgotten or not able to let go, that is up for "you" to decide. So how much have "you" forgotten? But are "you" one of the forgotten ones?

The Blue Sky

2011-04-03T13:13:00.002+08:00

When looking at the ocean, no matter where you go from far away it always remain blue.
When looking at the paths, no matter where you go, it always continues on. Moving on forward.

For all the times when we may have lose hope. All we need is a lending hand. To help us get back on our feet. Or to borrow a shoulder when there is a need to do so.

There will be times when it may seem to have end for us. But a glimmering light, even a glimpse of it, can already bring so much. It may seen meaningless or no value, on the other hand, you will be surprise for how much it may mean to that person.

When looking at the blue sky, no matter where you look at, raising your hand, it seems you can grab the answer you are looking for.
When looking at the blue sky, no matter where you are, do you think of someone who would look at the same time?

Living our life is always knowlegdeable. We learn from many experiences in our life. You would wish for an easy life. But there is no such thing without effort.

When looking at the paths, no matter where you go, without notice you have hold someone in hand and in heart. Truly precious. Truly beloved.
When looking at the blue sky, no matter where you go, you would always have someone in mind.

The Blue Sky..
Are "you" looking at it right now?

Determination

2011-03-31T12:34:00.002+08:00

The determination of many around you may not be seen clearly. Even with careful observation you may not know the true motive or purpose of a person's act.

As the decision to make such moral or immoral act cannot be simply judged. In consideration of both parties, one may fall while the other shall rise. Like how a phoenix may die one day, it will reborn itself from its own ashes. The same principle can be seen in court. But is it fair?

In the same aspect, your determination is similar. The ups and downs of our daily lives may be very harsh and painful. But how determined you are to pull yourself through it shall show how strong is your determination. Your will.

You may never know how amazing that strong will of yours can bring you. I am not saying to be egoistic which you are concern of your own self interest. But rather, think carefully.

For how much you have done..
For how much you have taken..
For how much you have given..
At what cost..?

Then ask yourself. Do you deserve to be where you are? Does your determination have affected the people you have known?

The answer lies within "you". To be answered or unanswered.

Time

2011-03-21T19:52:00.004+08:00

Recently, I found some of my old pics ranging between 6-8 years ago. As looking through these pics, I have recalled some of the happy and fun memories I had. With my friends, family and relatives.

From all sorts of activities, things have changed a lot.

But one thing doesn't seem to have change. Me? As if time have stopped for me. For the people I know, I can see how much they have changed in appearance or the person who they are now.

Does time have ever stopped you from making the wrong decisions in life? If so, what would you do?

If time have waited for me, are all those years seem to have been fortunate? For the greater good? Was it all an opportunity? Or is it currently happening?

Seems like I am filled with mixed emotions right now. Postive ones, of course! ;)

For what "time" have given me, it seems I need a moment to think about this.

Warmth ぬくもり

2011-03-19T22:53:00.004+08:00

The first thing that you would ever receive when you are born. It is the warmth. The warmth of being held under the arms of your mother. The love given to you as the person who holds you who is responsible giving you life.

No other warmth can be experienced when you are welcomed with open arms. The first warmth is never forgetful. Ever so cherished. Ever so joyful.

We might not ever thank our parents. Truly. For whatever they have done. From raising you to the person who you are. Food, clothes, shelter. The parents' love given towards the child. A newer generation to fulfill their hopes and dreams entrusted into your hands.

Whether it is to create your own world. With the love and hope and the creativity with your imagination you have ever so desired to wish for. Those feelings I can't fully described.

In this world, the warmth you have given to or received from others, how much meaningful is it to you? Did you mean it when you have done or have said?

The words of wisdom and love. The kindness. How can you describe that feeling? The different shapes or forms of warmth.

If anyone in your life would give this warmth, would you cherish it?

Have you ever fully thank the people you have cared in your whole life?

As this feeling of warmth I have received, I shall cherished forever. It is the gift I can never have expected to receive. So thank you! I truly appreciate it. As I am speechless with tears of joy.

For "you", what warmth would "you" cherish? In what shape or form? That is for "you" to decide.

Thoughts

2011-03-17T18:16:00.015+08:00

The thoughts of individuals around us are continuous. As a thought can bring questions and answers to be given.

A thought can bring up a topic to start a conversation together. But it also can bring an end to a certainty.

We all have our moment to think of the many possibilities we could do. From an idea. It can lead to bring fortune. As it can lead to an invention, a law, a beginning, a system and so on.

Some have said not to dwell into your thoughts. In other words, not to think too much. But what keeps you from thinking? Do you stare in empty space wondering what is going on with your life? Do you give a moment to yourself and reflect on the challenges and accomplishments you have faced?

From a particular post, this has been showing up a lot as I browse around.

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around and find the future has run out on us."

Suddenly, I recall of my own. Something mortifying that it confuses my own senses of my past. Not many have known. Not many have said. Not many will know.

The past can haunt us from what we have experienced. So, from a single thought, it can also bring you to a halt. Though people would say its a fortunate thing to happened in their wildest dreams. From experiencing it, I'd rather say I'm one of the unfortunate being.

From the many thoughts in your mind now, what do "you" think can lead to sorrows and joys? But the answer lies within "you" to decide.

Empathy

2011-03-14T12:45:00.003+08:00

When you understand and enter a person's feelings, what does it mean? How does it feel to be able to accept the person who you know?

Being able to share the emotions and feelings of someone?

In a matter of weeks, months or years, no matter how much flaws you can see in that person, you accept that person.

So, to what extent does it take for you to do so? On the other hand, how many do you know in your life who have accepted the person who you are? Despite the flaws you have not realised or admitted to yourself.

For I am able to accept the people around me. Apart from accepting for who I am. I also feel the insecurity of the people I care too much. As a part of me believe, the people you care about most in life are taken away from you too soon. It happened before.

What difference does it make, you might ask? It makes a big difference. Fear. The fear of losing someone who you care the most.

So with empathy, how much have "you" shared or understood?

Believe

2011-03-12T21:06:00.003+08:00

It has been a tremendous event in Japan. Earthquake, tsunami, radiation leakage (?), fire outbreak. I pray the people of Japan would able to pull it through.

The moments of believe. As for many would think believing in a purpose or a reason could help move on in their lives. A motivation.

As the current situation calls for this, I just feel like posting about this matter.

When you believe that something you are doing can be done, it gives you hope. Hope which could brighten your daily life. Hope which could also blind your senses and go on endlessly in the wrong path.

When things everywhere you go are against you, there is hope which you believe in.
Without hope, would you wander on and thinking you are doing the right way?

I, myself, am confused with what to believe in. As I want to believe for what I am doing could give me hope in life. For that hope, I wonder if my actions are the right things to do. Or is too much? Or too little? Though I can't thank enough for the people who help me when I needed it most. Especially on last Tuesday (08/03/2011).

It is a test of your determination in what you believe in. When your feelings waver, your determination feels weak. Your confidence would slowly go down the drain. Hence, a strong determination can bring many wonders.

So I continue on believing. Believe I will live on. Stand tall and go forward. Go with the flow.

Inappropriate it may seem to others. I beg for forgiveness if I ever done so. As it is all I have.

Above all, what do "you" believe in? Would "you" grasp on what to believe and live on? The answer lies within.

For Someone

2011-03-11T09:28:00.003+08:00

"Imagine you are in a vast plain field, lying on the ground. Look up into the sky. Seeing all the stars shining brightly. As you look through the endless sky, the stars twinkle in the everlong night. The wind blows calmly around you, reminding you of how people who shine as brightly as they are, those who you know. As for those cherish moments you could remember and treasure, think of those happy moments you have. Close your eyes. Slowly wander in your joy and eventually go to sleep. Forgive and forget, so apologize to them. As that wind blows all the negativity away in you. Hopefully. Sleep well. Good night."

This is dedicated to someone. That is actually a text msg I made last night. For that someone, you know who you are. As I hope you will be alright. Someday. As I'm always here whenever you need me.

Regrets

2011-03-10T16:26:00.006+08:00

Here I am thinking what have we done in our lives we could have regret.
Surely, there are many things you can think of that pops out of your head right now.

For instance,
Why did I choose to go study overseas? Instead of studying locally here.

Simple enough: I can't deny what my parents say which is right and best for me.

Regret:
After my studies. Unemployed, seeking for jobs.

Of course, there is more to that, but I'd rather not say.

Now, for whatever you have done which you thought would have been the best solution or actions taken in that very moment. Have "you" regret it?

It's better to know the outcome given the fact how much effort you have put into it. Or have you over thought of yourself from doing it?

From your point of view, it may seem "so-so" but what about the other person? What does that "person" thinks? What is his/her point of view in that matter?

Does it help keeping it in yourself thinking "SUCCESS!" or "FAILURE!" for the rest of your life?
There are different form of regret which is unimaginable and yet obviously it can start a chain of reactions. From a personality change to a global disaster. (World War 2?)

Nevertheless, regret is undeniably an experience in your daily life that goes in a cycle. An old 'regret' and new 'regret' comes along.
Thinking of rewinding back to the past. Changing the way who you are now. For whatever your past was, it has brought you here. Sitting here in front of your screen. Reading this.

So, from all those regrets, would "you" accept them and move on? Or stay where "you" are?

Selfish

2011-03-01T11:33:00.004+08:00

In this world, everyone have their own reason to live. Whether it is for the good or bad, there is never right or wrong. It is a matter of what people would judge their actions which is circumstancial. Sadly, being judgemental and stereotype others are too common these days.

Now, being selfish is what many have not noticed or failed to admit themselves personally.

Feelings for holding your interests as a priority of yourself and regards the person's well being is more important of others.

This feeling can be interpreted in many ways. Though I wish I could use an example(s) more appropriately, I feel I am selfish myself.

When you are happy with someone, you want more than this. But seek for someone better than the current one. Is it insecurity that holds you hanging at the edge of the cliff alone? Is it best to be with someone rather than be alone?

However, as a way of life, people would find the pursuit of their happiness. There is never right or wrong. But on how the actions are taken as a consideration. Words can be manipulated in many ways. Feelings cannot lie so easily. Actions speak out the truth.

So are "you" selfish? Maybe yes or no, what would "you" do?

Fragile

2011-02-26T10:21:00.002+08:00

When you think of fragile, you can think of many things. How fragile glass can break. How fragile a thin wooken stick could easily snap. It is the same with the heart. How fragile it is easily to have emotions. To break or fall in love.

But in life, there are a lot of misinterpretations from individuals around us. Some would say it is a sign there is someone waiting for you. But others could mean a false hope.

A light of hope means a lot to any respective individuals in this world. A purpose of living. A pursuit of happiness. A way of life.

How fragile a person would differ as the factors concerning the person's life should not be judge so easily.

Now the worst part would be the fragile heart accepts kindness and love so easily but leaves a painful scar at the end of the result. If a fragile heart would break, how do you pick up the shattered pieces to fix it? Does a fragile heart is described this way?

So what is the best answer to cure such a fragile heart? Let it drown in its own sorrows, shattered as it is? Let it rebuild slowly over time?
But would it gather the strength to do so?

Let it be "you" to decide on that.

Sorrows

2011-02-14T08:21:00.001+08:00

Like how there is good and evil. Black and white. There is also happiness and sorrows.
So, this time, its about feelings.

When someone who has pure feelings towards another, how would you ever know? Do words speak out the truth?

A simple lie could already make any person go head over heels and fall in love with the other person.
Compare to someone who truly has feelings towards the special person. But really, how can one understand each other? When one neglects the feelings given. The feelings not be returned. Not answered. When someone is so dense. Or so indecisive. What more can you expect from that person?

It saddens me to think that to see the person who has pure feelings who is hurt. And I do not know what I can do to help..

The feelings of like/ love or lust. Whatever those feelings are, the actions rather speak out the truth. Not entirely. But to an extent. This is my opinion though.

Sorrows. Painful. Unbearable. What more can you lose when a decision leaves you hurt.

The answer lies in you. Have you found it yet?

*To think today is Valentine's Day. Doesn't seem to be joyful every year"

How Foolish

2011-01-18T00:52:00.000+08:00

No matter what you do in my life, you will always reflect back on the things you have done. From the silly, fun and happy moments. To the stupid, dull and sad moments.

Either this help to improve the person you are now or not. Wonder when or how will the "you" realise those moments have made the person you are today? Will you see it?

The Life, The Path

2011-01-09T13:13:00.000+08:00

Life is a process of exchange of good and bad and the judgement between both. Happiness and sadness. Based on the daily things we do. In, other words; actions, emotions and feelings.

How one can tell for an exchange in this matter? If one trade in more than what he/she has intended, would that be an equilavent exchange? As this example can be clearly be seen in relationships. But what about friendships?

What does one would expect for something in return? Sympathy? Pity? Love? You'll be the judge on that.

When one will tell for an exchange to be given at the same amount? Would that be considered fair for the other party? Sacrifise? Money? Time? Feelings?

But in all of this, life is also a path filled with knowledge. The more we step forward, we learn more from the encounters we probably end up.

So what does your life lies beyond that path? Will you accept it? Or will you avoid it?

The Time Will Come

2011-01-07T13:45:00.001+08:00

I've noticed there has been changes a lot. In different people that I've known and met recently. Things that can never been seen by the naked eye. Unless observe more carefully. Though, these changes, should they be judge? Does appearance really matters? Or all those are just being stereotype to others based on looks?

If my outer appearance would change, would I still be accepted as who I am? Or people would remember as who I was before then? Or always be remembered in the heart of others?

So would you remember me as I am on this day?

One word: Pain

2010-06-10T06:40:00.000+08:00

I know it's been a long time not posting anything. And to think I had an idea of posting a new blog.

Truth is, for the past few days, this is the worst case of diarrhea I've ever heard. I'd rather not mention how bad it is..

I'm feeling better now. But I've lost so much of my appetite (and weight maybe?), I've been getting too much stomachaches today. And too weak to go out to buy meds and groceries. Sigh~

Luckily my flatmates helped me out. However, they're leaving together for an Euro trip more than a week tomorrow!

Get a hold of myself ZIM!!

Let this pain go away please~ and let me recover asap :(

I've had enough of this >:(

A Decision

2010-01-21T11:35:00.001+08:00

After much thinking over the past months for this blog. I've decided to change it..or more like having a "rebirth".

I've felt that over the months have passed, it's been difficult enough to coop my life in the UK. Only a few understands who I am. Though it's not like I expect people to understand me fully. Even my parents don't understand what I'm going through.

So I've decided to delete or remake this blog as a new start. But, the date is uncertain. As of now, I should be more sincere about what I wanna do and share to the readers.

A lil update

2009-11-27T05:35:00.000+08:00

Things have been going on too much lately. In just a week. Or so.
My grandmother passed away on 20/11/09.
Graphic card on my laptop died on 21/11/09
Financial issues arise on 22/11/09 (I hate when banks just cut money very late when use cards)
Phone's screen died on 23/11/09
Lost all contacts that I know of (mostly) of Brunei, Msia, Sg, UK friends on 23/11/09
Missed my presentation on 24/11/09 (due to several reasons above)
Gotten myself sick on 25/11/09
Still sick 26/11/09
27/11/09 - status unknown

But as of now, I'm just doing my courseworks by handwritten before I can go to library (when I'm feeling better) and put them on Microsoft Words. But..sigh..Too much demands from group members. Seems like they're always clueless and needs some proper guidance..when I'm not in top shape.

Nevertheless...I need to pull myself together. Jiayou~ :(

My belated birthday

2009-05-08T09:48:00.000+08:00

For those who wished me for my happy birthday, thanks a lot. I appreciate it.
Yes, I'm still alive. And this blog is still quiet as far as I'm concerned with. Either any readers actually reading or not.

As for my first day for being 21. It suck. Seriously. To the maximum. As I was already broke from going to Paris (unprepared and half-heartedly), I wasn't able to save any money for anything for that one special day.

To add things up, even a supposedly surprise party (or so I've heard) was canceled due to my flatmate who asked me not to have one. From the story I've heard, he had an exam after that day and so he asked me to tell my other flatmates to have a party. And I agreed and to be on his side. Hence, he approached and told my other flatmates about it. The rest is history. So I never knew what was planned on that day..

For all my readers (if any) who wanted to know what happened on that day, I simply stayed in my room. Lying on my bed. Pretending to sleep. So just time passes by quickly. Since internet is fcking slow (probably from all the streaming my flatmates do). Therefore, I couldn't even play any single game online due to the lag. I can't stream any videos online nor download any of the videos too. Basically it was a bright sunny day..but very dull. Like you're in a dark narrow corridor. Walking endlessly. But I'm used to it anyways.

It's always the same every year. The only time I remember I celebrated my birthday with friends was with Mel and Siau Fui in 2005. And the year before that with Mel, Fidah and Syai. Hmm, I guess this is my karma for going out with girls for my birthday. Now having none for the past 4 years. Blah. Didn't even bother for any wishes too.

Coz I know it doesn't matter anyways. It's all the same for what I've remembered.

the latest news

2009-03-13T00:37:00.000+08:00

Tired of all the coursework that I need to finish...
What's worse is my own health...
Always getting a sick every week...
This week seems to be the worse...
I guess the rain at Manchester with the winds is the caused...probably..
BruManch Talentine 2009 was nice..get to see some familiar faces..and made some new friends...

But back to my university, I was surprised that I lost 3-4 lectures for one of my modules, Site Surveying because of my health. But I managed to understand in just a lesson today... =.="
And my Greek coursemate asked me, "Wah! How long has it been since you last came here?"

So then...FCK ALL THE COURSEWORKS RIGHT NOW!!!! I have to finished them anyways.

Group work + contribution work + overall marks + group meetings + presentation + fieldwork = FCK YOU!!

I almost had enough of it...so I'm gonna get them done..

University Library

2009-03-03T23:46:00.000+08:00

Here I am using the library's internet connection..
Why?

- to do my coursework (easier to look for books for reference)
- faster connection (back at home can be unstable)
- to try out if torrent works or not

Yes, lol for the third reason.

But what do I found out?

- books that I wanted to find...were not available
- the connection is reliable..no lag afaik
- torrent works!! finally can get the anime series that I have missed for weeks...

But hell...the speed can only reach 100kb/s..good enough...as long I can get the anime I want :)

Life has been hard for me lately...but managing somehow...
Due to other otaku blogs I have read so far...they gave me bit by bit of hope so I could look forward. Though, I got encouraged to spend instead..then again...not so possible with the really 'tight' budget for this month... Wonder I can manage myself for this month..
If possible, then I'll post again by next month.

Issues

2009-02-27T02:13:00.000+08:00

It has been twice a week now..that I haven't been able to go to uni for any lectures lately..
Seems my body is more fragile as time passes by..
Wonder how long will I able to keep myself together..
For all I wanted now is just bit by bit of "happiness"..

The later post

2009-02-20T00:18:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last post in my blog..
It may be crucial to others or not...
Lately, there are those happy moments..
There are those sad moments...
Unfortunately, for me, things haven't been what's been the best for me...
If I was to start to talk about it...
I will be backtracking too much...
All I can say...
"Life is beautiful as it is...
...however, reality is just too much to bear"

Till then...

In Liverpool, United Kingdom...Day 1

2008-09-13T00:26:00.000+08:00

So here's an update for everyone here!

Hi to all in Brunei and anywhere else in the world! Miss you guys. The times spend back in Bruland or elsewhere were memorable...which brings me to a topic about food! Though it's been 2 days away from Brunei..or make it 3 days now.. I already miss the food in Brunei.

I havent actually started cooking yet..since just arriving in Brunei Hall yesterday...I went to sleep a lot. haha. Upon arriving Brunei Hall, London. Had a short briefing then went out along with Amal's cousin.

Took a short detour towards Paddington Station where we had some donuts at Krispy Kreme. The donuts there are the best!! Beats Dunkin Donuts and any other donuts stalls so far I've went.

Apart from that...in the plane...Speed Racer and Iron Man was on air for entertainment..only had 6 hours of sleep the whole flight...the food were good~ but not enough...I was damn hungry after eating on the plane = =

Anyways..beside Paddington Station..me, Amal, Rafaa, Nazrah and Dalila went over to Tesco, Drugstore..and a phone shop but I forgot the name. haha

Okay, so the first night at Brunei Hall was filled with sleeping! Not much time going out and looking around or tried going to the some of the fast food restaurants available here..but it was okay. Lame jokes are one thing..but Im gonna pass that one out for today =P

So now..at Liverpool...where we already parted ways with Dalila at London..settling oursevles in Liverpool..I still have no internet connection...Im like a bell boy here...with no tips =(
I miss everyone..and I also wanna wish to all those who flew or going to fly soon...for best of luck! And have a nice pleasant flight! I'll leave now after all the rubbish I might've said...since Im damn hungry now...and my allowance has gone mostly to my accomodations D= BLArGH!!

Cheers readers! May peace be upon you all! And the light will shine you towards your dreams!

Small Reunion PDS 1999

2008-09-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

So here's the update...as many are quite blur for this update...as not many knows my childhood friends. Yes, I do keep in touch with my childhood friends until now.

So from left to right,
Jeffrey Tan, Pui Lim, Micheale Hii, Wilson Lim and me (in the middle obviously)

We have been friends since we were in Kindergarten. So its already 15 years of friendship. Yay to us! Since it was last minute that Jeff called me that he was coming back. While I was at Samantha's reunion/farewell party at Capers..I managed..and somehow called them up.

Due to traffic took a while to gather up. Had some drinks at Cheezebox and had icecream at 1st floor of Jaya Hypermart. Nice and long talk about our past years of our little lives back in PDS Primary School from 1993-1999. So memorable~ Though they found that I recall most of them = ="

Anyways all the best to all of us. And hope to meet up soon again! Hopefully next year! As a 10th year anniversary reunion! :D
Currently..
Jeff (Miri - working)
Pui Lim (Brunei - UBD)
Michie (Brunei - working)
Wils (UK -graduated- jobless for now) xD

As a side note...surprisingly I bumped into a couple of people around Gadong today..

Zul Tom
Queenie
Kai Ping
Ping Chai (correct me if I'm wrong)
Yen Chuan
Hamdi
Aziz
Bahsir
Haidar
Yon

Coincidence? =x

Update granted!!

2008-08-22T00:12:00.001+08:00

Yes my fellow readers..its an UPDATE!!

Some may wonder why I have not update for the past weeks. Some may not wonder at all. I leave the excuses behind. Later people will bombarded me with spear-like replies which may not give me a 2nd time to update after such a long rest...

So for now...lately..as some may have known locally...I've got a scholarship from the government. Hence, I'm leaving Brunei to study HND in Real Estate Management in Liverpool John Moores University, Liverpool, UK this 10th September. This is actually old news..but I'm moving on.

The next update is regarding the return of my eldest brother in the family. First, I would like to say congrats to him..he has finally graduated from Manchester University studying Finance..along with his girlfriend..in the same university studying Geology. So before his graduation..my parents went to UK for 2-3 weeks..leaving my siblings with me as the "man of the house" (Ha?!) That was one hell-ish weeks. That's over though.

Furthermore with the return of my brother, he brought another big surprise...a PS3...
I have no idea how he earned or saved how much money to get one..but its here now..pictures? Next time..I'll mention why later on.

SO! The PS3 along with:-
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
Army Of Two
Call Of Duty 4 (Game Of The Year Edition)
Warhawk (Bought online from Playstation Network)

Those are games for those who haven't figured out yet.
Some might think I've play these games like crazy...though its not true..since some games required to use an internet connection (eg. Warhawk and COD4) the connection here sucks most of the time. Just 50-50 of fun and laughter. Sometimes it takes 5-20 minutes just to find a game in COD4.
And one more game actually. My lil bro, Izzat, bought EURO Fifa 2008

Wait! There's more updates!
Now my lil sister, Nasreen (my only sister for those who don't know) also got the scholarship. Doing A Levels in Clifton College in Bristol, UK. Leaving this 26th August. And Happy Advanced Birthday to her. It's on 23rd August :)

And, later on, my lil brother, Izzat, (studied in Jerudoing International School) who got his A level results last week..is going to be promoted to Cadet Officer under the Navy. Unfortunately for me and the whole family, after his promotion, he is going to stay in camp for 7 weeks without any leave within those 7 weeks and continue on to have 10 months training with some day offs probably. In between those 7 weeks, he cant meet either me nor my sister when we are leaving. Its good news and bad news for my family.

For the latest update, within these 5 days, I finally got my laptop. I'll inform again about it next time. Hopefully tomorrow.

Pictures aren't available since...I don't have a card reader at the moment...and the camera which I've been using is now under my father's hands. Using my mobile phone's camera..doesn't really have the best image produced..maybe I'll sneak in and snatch the camera and see what I can do.

I'll end it here now.
*Oops. Good Luck to Mabel who left on 20th August to USA. She's under the MINDEF scholarship. All the best to her :)
**ICC Briefing..was...okay..I fell asleep a while...
***IPA Briefings..were boring. But get to meet everyone :)
****Wall.E was cute xD
Jon, Jy and SF were sleepy while watching the movie =/ (not enough sleep they said)

LAZER! or not

2008-06-11T12:28:00.001+08:00

Yes...the title of today's post..said it all. Nuff said! LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSVNbxjdvv8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQLKEZzBIZE&feature=related

Those are the links...go on ahead and enjoy!! x3

And this is to all the 300 fans!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8glM0R25oc

Actually this post is more like a dedication...someone who keeps spamming when all is so quiet and peace is everywhere...now do you dare to show yourself? xD

Haha..Apart from that...last night I couldnt bother about posting here...I was busy looking for the clock (on the left of the blog now) Took me ages to find..lol! Thanks to the otakus (especially to a SG otaku where I found it in the first place) who were also interested..I was able to find it now. Yay! Go go Miku! Stop sleeping or sing! (Her song "Melody" is available in the playlist to the right) Tell me the time plz~ xD

(Click her!)

Okay..enough of that...beside that while waiting for Xinwen to pick me up..to go to Blue Eden, Kiulap..I was bored waiting outside..so I took a picture of the garden behind the house..what's left of it..since in late december of 2006..there was a soil erosion when I just came back from Singapore..so a part of the garden is missing lol!..But it's not included in the pic..since not much to see..after it is all fixed.

I was bored..so this is my garden x3

Now..remember pokemons? Who doesnt, right? What if you think your favourite pokemon appears right in front of you? Are you able to resist your temptation to keep one for yourself? OR do you have the equipment to capture and train your very own pokemon to become a pokemon master? Why am I posting this? As for extras..

POKEMON exists! Pics said it all. Nuff said! xD

Cubone: "Bone..bone.."

Trying..trying..trying

2008-06-10T15:00:00.000+08:00

So I missed 2-3 days of post...hmm..I guess I was too busy trying to understand a Go book I've been reading lately "Lesson's In The Fundementals Of Go". As someone stated I lack these fundamentals. Perhaps he was right. I realised after reading the first few chapters..and perhaps only with more experience I would fully make use of these fundamentals.

Apart from that (Night of 7th June) I was able to talk with my older bro who is currently studying in Mancherster University, UK doing finance. He's graduating this year. Glad to hear he's doing well over there. I havent been able to talk to him for the past 3 months haha. I went to Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and Jeounju, Korea..and in between he had his exams as well.

On 8th June...sleeping day xD haha. Not much to elaborate. Sleep more than..usual. As nothing much happened.

Yesterday, I went to MD Go Club again. Hmm..not much to say..apart from the games I've played..

Today's game! (9th June)

I played with:

Hui Yee..gave 2 handicap..won by 10 points...I forgot about the 1st game =X

Hui Yee..again..2 handicap..resigned...lost 2 big groups..too greedy = ="

Hui Yee again...2 handicap..won by 15 points..she ignored my ko threat..and it paid off very well..

Ho Soon...even game...resigned..my mistake for building up a wall for him..a strong center..while I get 4 corners..lol..

Haidar...6 handicap..resigned..a fast game..I didnt really played seriously..sigh..I dunno why even =/

After goin to MD, Lydia and me went over to Xinwen's place...stayed there for a while before goin to Haidar's house..bought a lot of chips lol! ..instead of goin to Blue Eden.

Xinwen's dog..ugh..still cute lo!

Chips A'Hoy! @ Haidar's place lol!

Another day it seems? Wrong!

2008-06-08T00:53:00.000+08:00

So here I am, thinking it was a boring day..when I was told I'm goin over to my cousin's for her birthday. She's 27 years old now..but her mom wanted and insisted to have a gathering with everyone..

But anyways, after the dinner (it was a BBQ party btw) I went into the house, took the magnetic Go set from the car and tried to study a professional game from a Korean magazine (well I tried) until!! One of lil niece approached me. Btw, yes, I'm an uncle D=

Lil Niece: "What's this?"

Me: "It's not candy for sure." (lol!)

Lil Niece: "..."

Then, I let her play with the set..and more of lil nieces and nephews approached me..and I let them be..and told them..."try to make a shape..or something".

They made various shapes...but one of them I find was cute that I couldnt help to upload it hahah. Enjoy!!

The lil nieces and nephews brainstorming...the end result...

The end result: A Sun!! With a face LOL!!

Apart from that, I checked my facebook and found that QQ have just uploaded some pics from last month at Korea. This pic I find cute and silly hahah. Xinwen, Me, QQ, and Penguin.

Me: "Destroying the romantical moment! lol!!"

Penguin: "..." (at the far right)

Today's game:

None! Lol...

WTF day?!

2008-06-07T01:37:00.000+08:00

That's right..to me it was a 'WTF?!' day.

Why? Coz it was supposed to be a special day..since it was my dad's 61st birthday! Haha..Happy birthday to my dad haha...

But thats not my point. I wish it was...but it's not. What happened today was one of the stupid and embarassing things I wish I would not encounter. I had a family dinner to celebrate today. And I had made bookings to watch a movie. Indiana Jones 4 (Yes, I havent watch it yet) around 3pm.

Here's the conversation:

Qiulap Mall Cineplex Girl 1: "Hello, Qiulap Mall Cineplex, how can I help you?"

Me: "Hi, I would like to make a booking for 7 ppl for the movie Indiana Jones. Is there a show around 9?"

Qiulap Mall Cineplex Girl 1: "One second...Yes, there's a movie at 9.10pm"

Me: "At 9.10pm?"

Qiulap Mall Cineplx Girl 1: "Yes, at 2130."

Then I told her to make the bookings and she asked me for my personal details..and yada yada.. to get the tickets and so on. BUT!!

After the dinner, we went there to get the tickets. So I went to the counter and told her the details..she checked...and guess what?

Qiulap Mall Cineplex Girl 2: "Okay, Indiana Jones, 7 seats, 2330 show. That would be.."

Me: "Say what? 2330?!!!"

Yes..'WTF?!' . My lil brother checked the newspaper earlier before we left.. there was a show at 9+..but when we asked for the 9pm show..there was none. WTF?! And this is not my first time that happened to me there. And earlier in the conversation I asked her for the time twice...

After that, my dad was already pissed off since it's too late and so we left.. (Here, Saturday is a school day) I feel like I am to blame = =" ugh...that girl who made that booking..seriously..she better just go back to school and learn her maths!! Yes, I would say I have met an idiot D=<

She just spoiled the day..zz

Today's game:

None. lol!

A day in MD Go Club

2008-06-05T23:13:00.000+08:00

*updated with pics lol! credits go to May24 LOL!!*

Another day it seems..and I got to continue on with this blog. I wasnt able to post for yesterday..I got carried away learning how to use this haha. So today was something different. A day at the Maktab Duli Go Club. It was rather unusual..since there was a meeting that I wasnt aware of haha. So the appearance are as of follows:-

Queenie (My partner for the pair at the 2nd Korea AABC lol)
Han Yean (The kendo guy who pops up and do random strikes to you lol!! jk)
Makai -Elementary-
Lydia (The woman individual player at the 2nd Korea AABC)
The juniors and the seniors lol!

Xinwen and Haidar -Muien- were there as usual. I went there with Haidar around 12+pm from Haidar's house. The meeting was rather about the upcoming tournament that we're trying to hold in the holidays. So some confirmation here and there. Done!

Not really..some more people we are hoping to join this tournament. But can't contact them. The more the teams are..the more challenge it is haha. Oh right! Its a team consists of 3 players..but we decided to have 4 instead O_o hmm..interesting idea I would say. The 4th players are the juniors. The new 'buds' of the Go Club which havent blossom yet haha.

Han Yean and Haidar

Afiq and Zidah (Juniors)

Today's game!

I played with:

Hui Yee again..gave 3 handicap..and ugh..lost by 22+ points..failed attempt to kill a large group of hers D=

Chung Sun..finally got to play an even game..after a while..my first win after 8 losing streaks xD ..won by 7 points (honestly I was losing..yose saved me o_o [endgame])

Chiawyee...gave 9 handicap..win by resign...though I gave her a chance to kill my group that she overlooked..hmm..maybe she got distracted talking with Queenie and Joyce while playing..haha..

Xinwen...8 handicap game for me. I could've won..though I misread a simple "life and death" in one corner it seems...caused me to lose the game =( learned my lesson for today

After the Go Club around 5pm..we left to eat at Fusion, The Mall. Xinwen, Queenie, Chiawyee, Lydia and myself. Hungry we were haha. I didnt have lunch coz I had a late breakfast..if that explains about my situation. First time being there..not bad..not really crowded..I can see the future for the restaurant...sad (lol..)

At Fusion, Mall

After hmm..2-3 hours (there was a long conversation between Queenie, Chiawyee and Joyce..while me, Xinwen and Lydia played Go haha)..Queenie and Chiawyee wanted to have a karaoke. I was like "huh?" At Xinwen's place, they said. I was like "huh? At this time?" So we went to Unitek for a while to look for some karaoke dvds (Lydia and Joyce left by then) and left to Xinwen's place.

I was like a 'guide' for Queenie at that time. While Chiawyee followed Xinwen. No, I havent drive yet..= =" Lasted for 1-2 hours for the karaoke..and now I'm here after leaving the place haha. It was entertaining haha. And no, I didnt sing any. All of them were Chinese songs =x Except one which I knew..but no! I didnt sing it =X

oh yea...Xinwen has this really cute dog which I cant seem..to touch...the temptation ahahah. My bad!! =X

Xinwen's dog...It's cute! >_<

Yesterday's game!

I played with:
Hazman...gave 4 handicap..draw..LOL!!! he managed to have a comeback..his strength is still amazes me haha after a long rest in Go

Shi Hong..gave 3 handicap..lost by 1 point..?! bad yose to begin with..learned my mistakes in that haha

Joyce..gave 9 handicap (my first 9 handicap I gave to anyone)..resign LOL!! I wanted to see how good she was..and I was surprised how excited she was when she played with me.. "kill! kill!" the look on her face. Amazing haha. I was being too easy on her.

That's all for today. Cheers!

My first entry!

2008-06-04T11:05:00.000+08:00

Okay...this is my first time blogging..so yea..Im still new to this..but hey!! This is my first entry. And the beginning of my own blogpsot.

The name is Zim! It's easy to remember that so far...and no..not Invader Zim..even though I've never seen that cartoon before...a lot of my old 'online game' friends used to mistaken my name with that character...so hmmm...

Ugh..why you may ask I start blogging? I guess I have plenty of time...or I have been dying for something to happen here in lil ol Brunei! And maybe it is one way to occupy my time..or to reflect my actions I do today..tomorrow...the day after tomorrow...or so on...Of course I'll update myself about my progress in Go (Weiqi/Baduk) But hey!! What else can I do then?

So it was supposed to be 2.22am...and now its 11.11am..why? I had to move from one blog to this one...so frankly...this isnt my first entry O_O!!! Ugh...though I didnt tell anyone hehe...except a couple of ppl...Anyways!! So here I am...trying to blog what I had just type yesterday!..I mean about yesterday (03/06/2008)..I will blog again..if I feel like it for today's event xD

Nothing much happened from morning till afternoon. I dont have much games to play lately..since most of the games are outdated haha. There's also some problem with the PS2 I think..like lens problems or something...then there's the Wii...not much to play as well...mostly my lil brothers play those 2 concoles more than I do so I'm stuck with the pc..more like conquering it haha

Connection here is still as crappy as ever...and I cant even send the pics from the 2nd Asia Amateur Baduk Championships 2008 @ Jeonju, Korea to my friends who I've met there. Except Cherrise (Philippines) who I managed to send her share a few days ago. But my god...that took like 10-15 minutes to upload JUST ONE picture into the mail..so if its all the pics....I cant say how long it was = ="...ugh...when will I be able to send the pics to everyone else now...dont worry! Coz as we speak..Im asking for help on this matter..Oh yes...I did meet up with Rick in the late afternoon..Met Davin and Tzia Ming as well...it was unexpected they are working part time..well...they are earning something though.

At last...in the night..something to look forward to..as usual..lately...Haidar (Muien), Xinwen, Peng Hui (Penguin) and myself went to Blue Eden @ Kiulap to play Go (Weiqi/Baduk). More like advertising and promoting in some ways haha. But this time...Hazman and his gf..and Joyce appeared!!! Finally more people.

Unfortunately...it seems luck has been against me lately..

I've been on a losing streak!!! I need more experience..I'm lacking in a lot of things..but I can't recall of what Xinwen and Haidar have said. Haha...and so..today..I lost 3 games! So I am 6kyu now..recorded..and according to card.. One game with Peng Hui..I was too greedy...ended up losing 16 points.. Two games with Xinwen! 48 points and 11 points. I would've done better if I actually played more seriously or even read more properly = =" sigh..playing an international game..and a casual game is really different. That "feeling" isnt there..ever since I came back from Korea. Ugh..another excuse it seems (That's what Xinwen and Haidar would say) Oh well. That's life =/

Until the next entry! Cheers!! Fuu~~